Parenting
The challenges of being a parent who’s child has been sexually abused go on for a very, very, very long time. Clothing sizes and hair color are likely to change in the process. You’ve probably said “I can’t do this anymore” on more than one occasion. But then you wake up the next day and deal with the next batch of challenges. Chances are that you haven’t hit the breaking point yet.
One of my favorite movies is “The Count of Monte Cristo”. There is a scene where the priest tunnels into Edward’s cell for the first time. Edward hasn’t seen another human in years and has started to lose his mind. In an awkward introduction, he simply states that the number of stones in his cell and that he has counted them many times. To which the priest replies, “Yes – but have you named them yet?”. Edward breaks down at this point and begins his transformation.
Real World
Several years ago I met several of the Iran hostages. One of the men said he got in the habit of talking to his watch. His captors were convinced they had radios of some sort. He did this to try and screw with them. Instead he realized that the cameras that were pointed at them around the clock weren’t actually working. On a regular basis the hostages were taken into a freezer, stripped, and forcefully interrogated. One day one of the men had enough and told his captors to simply kill him and he wasn’t going to answer any more questions. They didn’t kill him and that was the last time anyone was taken to the freezer.
There is a moment between insanity and clarity where something breaks the cycle of your thoughts. Your brain can reboot and things start working again. I wish there was a magic formula for getting there. Sadly facing death is a common element for many people. It’s sort of a cliche but that which does not kill you does make you strong.
If you have simply given up, chances are that most of your tomorrows will be a reflection of today. If instead you keep pushing ahead and challenging what is holding you back, you have a chance to break through. It will probably be the hardest thing you do in your life. But once you have dealt with an impossible situation, a world of possibilities open up to you.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Parenting
It’s great to see that people are talking about sexual abuse with their kids. It is a social problem that exists largely because of a lack of education. I would personally like to see it be a mandatory part of parent orientation at every school that a child attends. I say this because the dynamics of child sexual abuse change a bit between age groups. Also, there are lots of misconceptions about sexual abuse that tend to blindside people when it happens to them.
The Truth about Sexual Abuse
First – and probably most scary, is that children are statistically safer at a friends house than they are at home or at a relatives. Most child sexual assaults are actually committed by adult family members. And depending on which studies you read – siblings and cousins aren’t far behind. Other adult male authority figures (doctors, teachers, coaches, religious figures) are the ones that get the most attention, but they aren’t the majority.
1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will experience some form of sexual abuse by the time they are 18. So protection is not always possible, but education always is.
Also – don’t assume that just because someone is in an authority position around children that they aren’t a pedophile. The average offender has over 70 past victims before they get caught the first time. Also, older past offenses don’t always make it to the sex offender registry. The person who molested our daughter had been previously convicted in another state 20 years ago, but because they no longer reside there, they aren’t included on the sex offender registry. That will change after he gets out of prison in a couple years.
For those of you who commented about having feelings of suicide, this is an all too common occurance. There are a couple points that are key to getting past this.
– know that you are not alone
– find someone to help
– certain anti depressants actually help repair the brain damage done by sexual abuse (This is it’s own topic but yes this is where a lot of the problems result)
– know that being sexually abuse doesn’t have to stop you from living an outstanding life (See Oprah)
– dealing with sexual abuse is largely about solving a problem for which society doesn’t have clear rules. Create a path that works for you and think out 5-10 years and write it down. People get caught in a loop where the past intrudes on the present, and there is no future. It’s out there, you just need to create it.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
