Josh Duggar brings a new media spin on sexual abuse. Is he a child molester, is he a child who molested, or is he something different? The media spotlight is an interesting thing. It can bring things to light that need to be addressed. They can also present something in a context that makes it bigger than it is. Here we have shown a light on an unusually large family that happens to have (had) a TV show that turns out to have a family secret that puts them on par with about 1 in 5 American families. While I’ve never liked the phrase “inappropriate touching”, child molester doesn’t fit every situation either.
I didn’t want to watch the Stephen Collins interview with Katie Couric but my wife wanted to so it was inevitable. As parents we look at the issue of sex offenders somewhat differently. She would simply have all pedophiles executed. It’s pretty straight forward, gets rid of the current problem and sends a message. It’s also not going to happen. While having a similar initial reaction I know that this is a problem of society that you can’t simply weed out the offenders. You have to find a way to deal with them. Almost every day I see cases of children that are sexually abused as well as children who sexually abuse others. In some respects they are different sides of the same coin. And since you can’t have a coin with only one side, you have to have a strategy for both.
Most of you will notice that your child before and after their sexual abuse is different. Your child has an altered future. The change may be subtle so you may not notice right away, or you may just think it’s a phase. Their perception of the world has been changed, and their actual brain chemistry has been changed. (Feel free to look up the impact of trauma on the hypothalamus ) The end result is often ADD or ADHD like behaviors (PTSD is frequently misdiagnosed as ADD or ADHD). Bipolar behavior is also pretty common. There are also a variety of negative side effects that can lead to antisocial or self destructive behavior.
It’s Not All Bad
The flip side of these conditions is that people with ADD, ADHD and Bipolar disorder go on to do other things like found Apple, Microsoft, Netscape, etc. Maybe you’ve heard of some of them. I don’t know if any of them were actually sexually abused, but the behaviors can lead to greatness. The question is whether your child will descend into a life of self destructive behavior, or change the world? There are no guarantees either way, but safe to say, you child is probably not going to fit into the world the way you may have originally thought. I don’t know if there have been any formal studies, but if your child has some of the classic symptoms of sexual abuse, they may be destined to be entrepreneurs. Here’s a short video that might give you some ideas.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Most little girls at some point in their childhood want to be a princess. Sexual abuse often dashes those dreams and leaves many victims settling for less than they deserve. The reality is that sexual abuse robs many children of their dreams, and aspirations to make anything of their life. It’s important for children to know that they can grow up to be just like their heroes. Sometimes it seems more possible when you know that their heroes were sexually abused as well.
If your child is missing a hero they can relate to, I would like to recommend one – although you will probably know her name in the next three weeks. She was born Quanitta Underwood, but everyone just calls her Queen. Her and her sister were both sexually abused by her father. She wasn’t able to fight back as a child, but she is more than making up for it as an adult. She began boxing in 2003 and is now on her way to London to represent the United States as a member of the Olympic Team.
Live Your Dream
Here’s a great quote to from her “One day I’m going to be ‘Queen of the Ring’ and no one will ever hurt me again. One day, I won’t be 12 years old and feeling helpless; One day I’ll be strong and unstoppable.” Maybe your child has a dream like Queen’s?
For now, you can see what it is like to live that dream in the Olympics in a couple weeks. You can follow Queen Underwood at http://livingoutthedream.org?lrRef=W17mk
For most parents of a sexual abuse victim, the idea of “dispensing with” the offending party has probably crossed their mind. Usually it is something that crosses your mind some time after the abuse happens. You’ve had time to process the experience and you’ve come to the conclusion that the whole situation SUCKS! You’ve grown frustrated with the wheels of justice and start thinking about alternatives to the situation. It’s a semi-satisfactory fantasy and wishful thinking of the classic triumph of good over evil. We see it in the movies all the time where the bad guy gets it in the end. I guess it’s part of our popular culture. And while most of us might think about it, few of us actually go through with it. And that is probably a good thing for all concerned.
Recently a father in Texas found his 5 year old being sexually abused and beat the man to death on the spot. Most of us have the luxury of finding out about our children’s abuse after the fact. Often we are told by our children so we try to contain our emotions and convince our child that things are going to be ok. Inside we may be screaming in our minds, but on the outside we try to be a calming force. I’m sure watching it happens has an effect on the mind that can’t fully be understood by those of us that only got the details second hand.
What would you do?
I suspect if I had been in his shoes, I would have thrown equally as many punches, and possibly with the same results. The question is what now? The man in question is probably equally mortified by what happened to his daughter and the fact that he killed someone with his bare hands. It’s not the same when it’s not a fantasy. I’ve watched two people die horrible deaths. After 30 years, there is still a part of me that wishes I could have saved them. I can only imagine how I would feel if I was responsible.
I don’t know what is next for this man. My hope is that it is viewed that he was defending his daughter and there will be no further legal actions. I suspect the combination of the two experience will either make the event harder, or possibly give some closure to the event. Or possibly a combination of both. Every case is different. Given time to think about things, I’m sure he would have taken a different approach. But when someone you love is in danger, you do what you need to do. I wish him and his family well in dealing with recent events.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
