For 90%+ of parents out there, this may be all they need. For a small group of parents, an exercise in sexual abuse prevention may turn into an unplanned disclosure. It’s one thing to have a plan for preventing your worst fears, it’s something different to realize them in the process. It becomes especially difficult because in almost all cases, the situation violates the rules of trust you have in your life. We are predisposed to trust parents, grandparents, cousins, siblings, baby sitter, teachers, religious figures, and social leaders. Unfortunately this covers almost all of the relationships that abusers fall into. As a parent, finding out that someone in your life that you trust is sexually abusing your child is probably one step below finding out that person can levitate or is actually an alien from another planet. The later two would actually be easier to hear, but based on everything you know about this person there is no way that this should be true. Humans have difficulty processing this type of information. In many cases the brain simply says “lets just go with what we know to be true” and people essentially forget what they have just seen and heard. It’s trauma, and it does funny things to the brain. I’m not a psychiatrist so I’m over simplifying, but there are plenty of examples of women walking in on their husbands/fathers/etc. abusing a child and essentially being told “you didn’t see anything” and they go back to what they were doing. If you don’t believe how susceptible people are to suggestion watch some video’s of Darren Brown on youtube. He’s a British hypnotist that has a TV show where they do crazy things to people in public. In one episode he walks up to people in a resort town and starts asking for directions, starts a conversation and starts asking for their keys, wallets, etc. and they willingly hand it over and he walks away. At least this is fun to watch.
The Triangle of Trust
Almost all child sexual abuse situations have a triangle of trust. Mommy trusts this person – you trust mommy – so you should trust this person. Breaking this trust does things to the brain of the victim as well. The brain can’t handle the event so it sort of switches into “this isn’t happening mode”. They can develop dis-associative behavior to deal with the abuse. Volumes have been written on the subject. The important thing for parents is to be able deal with the fact that by the time they find out, in most cases it isn’t the first time. It’s been going on for months or in some cases years. How can this be? This brings us back to the triangle. Your child doesn’t want to break the triangle of trust so they just keep it to themselves. Its hard to accept, but this is how it plays out for almost every parent who finds out about their child’s abuse. Just know that as incredible as this may sound, it’s true.
Could they be making this up?
Almost every parent will have a moment where they question if their child is making this up. Kids are experts at make believe. They can be gladiators, princesses, and astronauts with a couple of household items. Also lots of them have imaginary friends. Why is this different? Research has shown that it’s simply not something that children make up stories about. It’s a subject that is generally beyond their imaginary experience so it generally can’t come from there. In the rare instance that a child is making something up, it’s usually in divorce cases where one parent plants ideas to regain custody. Bottom line is you need to believe even when you can’t.
Your own trauma
While you may be focused on your child, you are experiencing your own traumatic event with your child’s disclosure. They have already figured out a coping mechanism, but you haven’t. Their coping mechanism might be ultimately counter productive, but there will be plenty of time to work on that. Your mission is to get your child through this important phase. Try to stay strong knowing that your stress level has just been cranked to 11. Others have gotten through this, and you can too. It’s all going to take time.
That first step
You’ve got a call to make. It probably involves making a decision to turn in someone close to you to the police. Some people will simply try to remove their child from the situation, but it will just happen to someone else. Your child is probably not the first victim, and if something isn’t done, they won’t be the last. You may be feeling embarrassed that you didn’t see what is going on. You may feel betrayed. And you may have to make a choice between your child and someone else you know/love/care about. Your world has already changed. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle. At this point you have a few options. All state’s have a child abuse and neglect hotline. If a child is in potential danger, I would recommend this as a first choice. If you feel you may also be in danger, your local police may be the place to start. Both will interact with the other as needed. If safety issues are not your first concern, you may want to start with your local child advocacy center. There are locations listed at the link below. They provide a safe comfortable environment for your child to make disclosure and see a variety of professionals. They can also start you on a path to dealing with the sexual abuse as a non-offending parent. Make your choice, and make the call.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
For most parents of a sexual abuse victim, the idea of “dispensing with” the offending party has probably crossed their mind. Usually it is something that crosses your mind some time after the abuse happens. You’ve had time to process the experience and you’ve come to the conclusion that the whole situation SUCKS! You’ve grown frustrated with the wheels of justice and start thinking about alternatives to the situation. It’s a semi-satisfactory fantasy and wishful thinking of the classic triumph of good over evil. We see it in the movies all the time where the bad guy gets it in the end. I guess it’s part of our popular culture. And while most of us might think about it, few of us actually go through with it. And that is probably a good thing for all concerned.
Recently a father in Texas found his 5 year old being sexually abused and beat the man to death on the spot. Most of us have the luxury of finding out about our children’s abuse after the fact. Often we are told by our children so we try to contain our emotions and convince our child that things are going to be ok. Inside we may be screaming in our minds, but on the outside we try to be a calming force. I’m sure watching it happens has an effect on the mind that can’t fully be understood by those of us that only got the details second hand.
What would you do?
I suspect if I had been in his shoes, I would have thrown equally as many punches, and possibly with the same results. The question is what now? The man in question is probably equally mortified by what happened to his daughter and the fact that he killed someone with his bare hands. It’s not the same when it’s not a fantasy. I’ve watched two people die horrible deaths. After 30 years, there is still a part of me that wishes I could have saved them. I can only imagine how I would feel if I was responsible.
I don’t know what is next for this man. My hope is that it is viewed that he was defending his daughter and there will be no further legal actions. I suspect the combination of the two experience will either make the event harder, or possibly give some closure to the event. Or possibly a combination of both. Every case is different. Given time to think about things, I’m sure he would have taken a different approach. But when someone you love is in danger, you do what you need to do. I wish him and his family well in dealing with recent events.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
Here’s a video on ending child sexual abuse. This is a work in progress for anyone wanting to share their story.
About the Producer
Tracey Quezada is a Bay Area producer, writer and director. She serves on the screening committee for the San Francisco Women Film Festival. sector. As an independent producer Tracey has produced and directed promotional videos for the Ella Baker Center for Human Rights, Patch, Community Bridge Video and Global Fund for Women.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
When you get married most people start off with a short list of things that you promise to do that usually ends with “til death do you part”. It gets modified based on personal preference and believes but it is still a part of the standard contract. Fatherhood has a set of rules as well, but they are often unspoken. It’s part of the “Dad’s Code”. If it were written down somewhere it would probably be something along the lines of “to do everything in your power to protect your child from harm, including sacrificing your own life for your child’s safety.”
Every year there are a couple Dads that find their way onto the front page of CNN by making this ultimate sacrifice. Most of us never have to go that far, and even more of us aren’t in the right place to protect our children when something bad happens. When that bad thing is sexual abuse, almost 20% of us fathers will experience not being there to protect our children. And no one even wants to talk about it.
Everything Changes
Finding out your child has been sexual abused leaves you questioning life, the universe and your responsibilities as a father. There is no rulebook for this part of your life. Chances are you don’t know anyone who is in your current situation and don’t know how you got to this place. For some fathers feelings of guilt can be overwhelming. Some people shut down, turn to an assortment of chemicals, or worse. For the uneducated, the immediate response is that they let their child down and should have been able to prevent the abuse. The truth is actually very different and much more complex than you would think. If you are lucky enough to have access to a Child Advocacy Center (http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/), most of them have a 10-week class for non-offending parents.
It basically covers everything you never wanted to know about child sexual abuse. During one of the first couple of classes the instructor explained to us how all children are molested. It’s sort of like learning how magicians cut a woman in half, except you want to throw up. It’s more than a little disheartening to find out how easily we can be manipulated by people we trust. This will mess with your head, but you owe it to yourself and your child to educate yourself. Education is your best tool to deal with this issue going forward.
You Can’t Ignore It
Too many fathers take this crushing blow of primal failure as something to be covered up. Things would be better if we just made it go away. They don’t talk about it with other people, and all too often they shy away from legal action, and even getting therapy for their child. As a short-term strategy, this actually tends to work for most people. Long term, the damage becomes much more apparent. Abuse victims are much more prone to future domestic abuse, mental illness, substance abuse, and a myriad of other problems. Dealing with the problem when it happens will help rebuild the foundation of your child’s life. It is important to be proactive and get your family the help they need. We all stumble from time to time. This is one of those times that fathers really need to be there for their kids.
Sometimes you can’t protect your kids
Sexual abuse is probably the last of the topics that people don’t talk about. Cancer, homosexuality, and mental illness are all topics that have become acceptable to discuss publicly within the last couple of decades. Sexual abuse still isn’t there yet. Quite frankly it scares the shit out of people that “the strangers” we have been warning children about for decades are not the offenders. Roughly someone the child and the family knows and trusts commits 97% of all sexual abuse. It is almost unimaginable to think that we are that poor judges of character.
In almost all cases it’s someone we know and trust. If not a family member it is often a religious figure, teacher or other person who is active in your child’s life. They tend to be active in their community and are known for being good with kids. They are usually the last person you would suspect of doing something like this. People will quickly take sides and you will find that your community, church and sometimes even your family becomes divided. If you are wondering whom to believe, less than 3% of allegations of sexual abuse are made up. And if your child is below the age when they should have knowledge of sex, the likelihood of this being made up is practically zero.
Dad Code
So whether you have lived through this, or hope that you never do, I would like to modify the “Dad Code” for you. The reality is that this is just one of the bad things that can happen to children. You can’t always protect your kids. And much like car accidents, leukemia, and autism, it’s not something you actually have control over. Most people will wrestle with this for a long time. Unfortunately I don’t have one-size fits all cure for this guilt. I will offer you this challenge though. A father’s responsibility is not just to protect their children from harm when they can. It is to do everything they can to help their children be successful regardless of what challenges the world might present them with. We can’t always be there when they fall, but we can be there to help them get back up again.
April is National Sexual Abuse Prevention Month. Perhaps you didn’t get the memo. I hadn’t heard of it prior to about 8 years ago. I thought I hadn’t been paying attention, but sadly it is 1/12 of the year that goes by largely unnoticed. Breast cancer and Autism get 100 times more pr than sexual abuse. Once you have been around it a while, you learn why.
Sexual abuse scares people probably more than anything else. It’s something we don’t talk about, and people who have never experienced it try to convince themselves that it is something that happens to other people. There is a whole psychology of how people re-frame sexual abuse to shield themselves from the possibility that it could happen to them. It ends up being a viscous cycle. Every parent of an abused child probably thought it couldn’t happen to them. Your first step in making your kids safer is simply acknowledging that sexual abuse can affect anyone. If you aren’t up to speed on the numbers – 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys will experience some form of sexual abuse by the time they are 18. If you were worried about a car accidents, meningitis, or autism they are actually lower on likely list. If you want your kids to be safer, the first step is to accept that it is something that can happen to your children.
The Myths
The second step is getting beyond the main myth of sexual abuse. And that is that it’s something that is done by strangers. We have been drilled with this concept since before we can spell. Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t take candy from a stranger. But the reality is that 0ver 95% of all sexual abuse is committed by someone we know and trust. In the case of sexual abuse of children under the age of 10, there is almost always a 3 way trust relationship. The abuser is a person the parents trust, and that the child trusts. There is also the dual aspect of this that since parents trust the person, the child should trust them as well. When things start to become abusive this inner conflict drives children not to disclose the abuse because they know it is someone their parents trust.
And the third thing you can do towards making kids safe is to talk to them about sexual abuse, preferably before you have the “sex talk” with them. Age 9 is the average age of an abused child. Talking to your child about good touch and bad touch as early as pre-school is a good idea. It’s also important to discuss it with them every couple of years because it is something that needs to be reenforced over time. Encourage your children to tell you when things are bothering them. And let them know that any touching that someone (anyone) does that bothers them that they can tell you about it.
Fears with Making Kids Safe
If you are worried about screwing this up, you probably will. We’re parents – it’s what we do. We do the best we can with what we have. This is scary stuff, but isn’t that part of being a parent? We try to learn from others, educate ourselves the best we can, and try to beat the odds. If you have learned something new here, you have one more piece of information that you can leverage to keep your kids safe. Spread the word!
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
