Past the breaking point

Past the breaking point

The challenges of being a parent who’s child has been sexually abused go on for a very, very, very long time.  Clothing sizes and hair color are likely to change in the process.  You’ve probably said “I can’t do this anymore” on more than one occasion.  But then you wake up the next day and deal with the next batch of challenges.  Chances are that you haven’t hit the breaking point yet.

One of my favorite movies is “The Count of Monte Cristo”.  There is a scene where the priest tunnels into Edward’s cell for the first time.   Edward hasn’t seen another human in years and has started to lose his mind.   In an awkward introduction, he simply states that the number of stones in his cell and that he has counted them many times.  To which the priest replies, “Yes – but have you named them yet?”.   Edward breaks down at this point and begins his transformation.

Real World

Several years ago I met several of the Iran hostages.  One of the men said he got in the habit of talking to his watch.  His captors were convinced they had radios of some sort.  He did this to try and screw with them.  Instead he realized that the cameras that were pointed at them around the clock weren’t actually working.   On a regular basis the hostages were taken into a freezer, stripped, and forcefully interrogated.   One day one of the men had enough and told his captors to simply kill him and he wasn’t going to answer any more questions.  They didn’t kill him and that was the last time anyone was taken to the freezer.

There is a moment between insanity and clarity where something breaks the cycle of your thoughts.  Your brain can reboot and things start working again.  I wish there was a magic formula for getting there.  Sadly facing death is a common element for many people.  It’s sort of a cliche but that which does not kill you does make you strong.

If you have simply given up, chances are that most of your tomorrows will be a reflection of today.   If instead you keep pushing ahead and challenging what is holding you back, you have a chance to break through.  It will probably be the hardest thing you do in your life.   But once you have dealt with an impossible situation, a world of possibilities open up to you.

Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.

When you can’t protect your kids

When you can’t protect your kids

When you get married most people start off with a short list of things that you promise to do that usually ends with “til death do you part”.  It gets modified based on personal preference and believes but it is still a part of the standard contract.  Fatherhood has a set of rules as well, but they are often unspoken.  It’s part of the “Dad’s Code”.  If it were written down somewhere it would probably be something along the lines of “to do everything in your power to protect your child from harm, including sacrificing your own life for your child’s safety.” 

Every year there are a couple Dads that find their way onto the front page of CNN by making this ultimate sacrifice.   Most of us never have to go that far, and even more of us aren’t in the right place to protect our children when something bad happens.  When that bad thing is sexual abuse, almost 20% of us fathers will experience not being there to protect our children.  And no one even wants to talk about it.

Everything Changes

Finding out your child has been sexual abused leaves you questioning life, the universe and your responsibilities as a father.  There is no rulebook for this part of your life.  Chances are you don’t know anyone who is in your current situation and don’t know how you got to this place.  For some fathers feelings of guilt can be overwhelming.  Some people shut down, turn to an assortment of chemicals, or worse.  For the uneducated, the immediate response is that they let their child down and should have been able to prevent the abuse.  The truth is actually very different and much more complex than you would think.  If you are lucky enough to have access to a Child Advocacy Center (http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/), most of them have a 10-week class for non-offending parents. 

It basically covers everything you never wanted to know about child sexual abuse.  During one of the first couple of classes the instructor explained to us how all children are molested.  It’s sort of like learning how magicians cut a woman in half, except you want to throw up.  It’s more than a little disheartening to find out how easily we can be manipulated by people we trust.  This will mess with your head, but you owe it to yourself and your child to educate yourself.  Education is your best tool to deal with this issue going forward.

You Can’t Ignore It

Too many fathers take this crushing blow of primal failure as something to be covered up.   Things would be better if we just made it go away.  They don’t talk about it with other people, and all too often they shy away from legal action, and even getting therapy for their child.  As a short-term strategy, this actually tends to work for most people.  Long term, the damage becomes much more apparent.  Abuse victims are much more prone to future domestic abuse, mental illness, substance abuse, and a myriad of other problems.  Dealing with the problem when it happens will help rebuild the foundation of your child’s life.  It is important to be proactive and get your family the help they need.  We all stumble from time to time.  This is one of those times that fathers really need to be there for their kids.

Sometimes you can’t protect your kids

Sexual abuse is probably the last of the topics that people don’t talk about.  Cancer, homosexuality, and mental illness are all topics that have become acceptable to discuss publicly within the last couple of decades.  Sexual abuse still isn’t there yet.  Quite frankly it scares the shit out of people that “the strangers” we have been warning children about for decades are not the offenders.  Roughly someone the child and the family knows and trusts commits 97% of all sexual abuse.  It is almost unimaginable to think that we are that poor judges of character. 

In almost all cases it’s someone we know and trust.  If not a family member it is often a religious figure, teacher or other person who is active in your child’s life.  They tend to be active in their community and are known for being good with kids.  They are usually the last person you would suspect of doing something like this.  People will quickly take sides and you will find that your community, church and sometimes even your family becomes divided.  If you are wondering whom to believe, less than 3% of allegations of sexual abuse are made up.  And if your child is below the age when they should have knowledge of sex, the likelihood of this being made up is practically zero.

Dad Code

So whether you have lived through this, or hope that you never do, I would like to modify the “Dad Code” for you.   The reality is that this is just one of the bad things that can happen to children.  You can’t always protect your kids. And much like car accidents, leukemia, and autism, it’s not something you actually have control over.  Most people will wrestle with this for a long time.  Unfortunately I don’t have one-size fits all cure for this guilt.  I will offer you this challenge though.  A father’s responsibility is not just to protect their children from harm when they can.  It is to do everything they can to help their children be successful regardless of what challenges the world might present them with.  We can’t always be there when they fall, but we can be there to help them get back up again.

Under Suspicion

Under Suspicion

On Saturday mornings I tend to browse Hulu.com for movies that look interesting that I might have missed in the theater.  This morning something with Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman jumped out at me.  I think I was pulled in by the mystery element and it’s tropical setting.  If it had said sex offender stalks children in Puerto Rico, I probably would have passed.   but anyway I got sucked into this who dun-it.

A Different Perspective

This remake of a French film follows a night of interrogation of a prominent lawyer accused of raping and murdering two young girls.  Anyone who has had their child molested will be a little uncomfortable watching this movie.  There are lots of twists and turns and the question of who is guilty and who is innocent isn’t addressed until the very end.  And even then the lines are blurry.    I hate to leave you with a cliff hanger, but I don’t want to spoil the movie for you.

It’s worth an hour and fifty one minutes of your life.  If for no other reason than to remind us that what we see in front of us is not always the truth.  A lot of parents spend too much time beating themselves up over what they didn’t see.   All your instincts and senses can tell you one thing, and you can still be wrong.  It just means we are only human.   Sometimes we just need a reminder.

Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.

Courtroom Insanity

Courtroom Insanity

Nothing can truly prepare you for the things that will go on in the courtroom.   You will be asked obscure questions intended to confuse you or make you look less than credible.  You will probably be treated as a lier by the defense attorney.  And you will see a variety of attempts to play things off for the journey that this wasn’t what it is portrayed to be.  There are lots of variations.  Just try not to be too surprised.

Courtroom Dialogue

The following has been circulated for a while, but it puts things in perspective.

Courtroom Testimony
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and quiet while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________
ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS : We both do.
ATTORNEY : Voodoo?
WITNESS : We do.
ATTORNEY : You do?
WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he’s twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Uh….
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?
______________________________________
As for the last!!!
ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.

Bah Humbug

Bah Humbug

If you are a parent dealing with your child’s sexual abuse, you may find that holidays take on a new dimension.  They may not be as much fun or you may dread them all together.  If this describes your holiday season, you may be wondering how you got here.  Welcome to survival mode.  You probably entered it sometime after the abuse.  The brain assesses basic needs and much like a computer goes into safe mode.  It might get you back working again, but you may not to be able to do everything.

Safe Mode

If this was your computer, you would have powered down, and rebooted.  Things would have come back up normally and you would have gone back to doing what you were doing.  But you never rebooted, and so you are still running in safe mode.  Holidays, birthdays and other special occasions fall into that category of higher level function that your brain has difficulty accessing without the reboot.   Getting to the reboot is the hard part.

I don’t have an easy answer to get to where you want to be.  It takes time, and a little bit of practice.  Here’s a simple exercise that may help you get part of the way there.  Take out a piece of paper and write the alphabet down the left side. Now for each letter write “I am grateful for (something that starts with that letter)”  when you are done, fold it up and put it in your wallet or purse for later use.  You may need a reminder from time to time.  You may not notice any difference right away but you will be flexing your mental muscles and rebuilding pathways that might have been dormant for a while.

This may not be the year for happy holidays, but with a little bit of practice, the ghost of Christmas past may bring out some changes yet.  There’s always next year.

God Bless Us Everyone!

Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.

You should have known better

You should have known better

It might not be those exact words but most parents dealing with their child’s sexual abuse will be confronted with someone questioning their judgement, actions, etc. at some point in the process.   This is exactly what happened recently during the lawsuit against the Boy Scouts of America over sexual abuse of scouts.  The president Eugene Grant testified regarding the victim that “his parents should have known better.”

Hind sight is always 20/20. It’s really easy to beat yourself up over what was actually happening once you know the truth.  When someone questions you in this situation, it’s generally not that they are wiser than you, or that they know you did something wrong.  They are actually protecting themselves.  It’s another way of saying “this could not have happened to me”.   And as anyone who has had their child molested will probably tell you, that’s probably what they were thinking right up until they found out it wasn’t true.   If you operate under the assumption that it can’t happen to you, when it does happen to someone else, the logical conclusion is that it was somehow their fault.

Not so fast

The reality is that it can happen to anyone.  There’s about a 1-10000 chance of being involved in a shooting at school.  But almost every school plans for it and educates kids about what to do in a “code red” .   Depending on gender, there is an average 1 in 5 chance that a child will suffer some form of sexual abuse by the time they are 18.  You would think schools or some group would be all over that trying to reduce the risk.  No one wants to talk about it, and as such the idea that “it can’t happen to me” lives on.

Sexual abuse is largely about manipulation and deception so there will always be people who are taken advantage of.  But the more we can educate people about the problem, the less likely it is that it will continue on the same scale in the future.  People actually do need to know better, not just be told that they should have.

Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.