I recently watched an episode of Breakthrough with Tony Robbins about a woman who was completely paralyzed by fear. Her daughter had been in a freak accident and was dead for a couple minutes before being brought back by medial personnel. Since then she was complete consumed by fear that something bad would happen to her children. The sound of an emergency vehicle immediately triggered a panic attack.
Having your child be sexually abused can trigger similar reactions. You become hyper sensitive to public spaces, and you will find that certain situations, sounds or experience trigger an unexpected reaction. I noticed that I used to check every face when I would go to a mall, park, grocery store, etc. It takes a surprising amount of energy and it will drain you.
Triggers
You will also notice that certain things will trigger a reaction. It may have been the smell of cookies that happened to be cooking when you found out your child was abused. It could be a song that was playing on the radio. Try to mentally relive the disclosure experience and see where the emotion hits you. Once you can isolate the trigger, try playing the experience in your mind a different way. Change the sound, smell or image to something completely different. Make it bigger, smaller, sweeter, brighter, whatever it takes so you feel different when you encounter the trigger. This is a bit of an over-simplification but it’s something to start to play with and work towards.
Something you will also notice is that you retreat into your comfort zone. It could be food, TV, staying in your house, etc. Make a conscious effort to challenge yourself. Find something that scares you a bit and do it. Write an article for a magazine, ride a roller coaster, go white water rafting, sky dive, etc.
Find your way to face the fear. And if you’d like to be able to laugh about it a little. Have a look at the following clip.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
A couple weeks ago I was watching a special on Dr. Martin Luther King and several of the people who were there for that memorable speech were talking about. Apparently it was supposed to go quite a bit differently. The person who wrote the speech said he was listening and thinking that’s not what I wrote for him. At that point he went off script and started talking about a little girl who wasn’t able to play with her friend. And made history in the process.
In speech and acting classes, this is one of the speeches students are asked to deliver to really feel something powerful. Others include John Kennedy’s moon speech. So you are probably wondering where I’m going with this.
When your child is sexually abused, your world is likely to become a lot more negative in appearance. It probably isn’t in reality, but your range of emotions will probably span from numb to pissed off. Happy becomes a challenge, and joy may not even seem realistic. And you may just not think you feel anything.
I ended up coming up with my own imagined I have a dream moment. It’s about 30 seconds long, I tend to do it in the car, and the only people who have witnessed it are a few confused drivers. I’ve probably done it several hundred times and still can’t get through it to the end. If you do it right, you probably won’t be able to either.
Your I Have a Dream Moment
Here’s the recipe I follow. I want to you imagine some event 10-20 years in the future. It needs to be significant, relevant, and involving your child. Here’s a couple examples to get you started:
…but the big secret we’re about to find out is who will be lighting the Olympic flame…
…and now being awarded the bronze star by the President…
Come up with one that works for you. Try reciting it to a particular song, and see what happens. You may have to try a couple variations before you get it right. You may rediscover some feelings that seem missing from your life. And it may actually help you discover a dream for your child that is still possible, even after what has happened.
Let us know if we can help you dealing with your family’s sexual abuse situation. For ideas to get started please check out our book on what to do during the early days after disclosure.
